This week I am experiencing some wavering emotions. For instance yesterday I realised that I am lagging behind schedule at work, mainly with posts on social media. I was feeling that I am not good enough or fitted for this role and that I can’t do my ‘job’ properly. It was a mixture of insecurities, fears and Covid. Yes, I blame the pandemic as well. How can I not, when it impacts our lives one way or another. And for me, it feels like I am so far away from all the action of SCI that I am yet to feel a part of this movement. It’s like I logged into it (literally) from a different world and try to make sense of everything and get myself familiar with it, while trying to do something helpful and contribute to this movement.
Don’t be mistaken, everyone is super helpful in the IS and I actually participated in my first office meeting last week and I can say that I finally had the chance to talk to all of my coworkers, which was a bit scary just because I get nervous when I need to talk to more than 4 people with whom I haven’t talked before (I think introverted people can relate to this). But no matter how much they are eager to help and make sure to ask if everything is going well, I can’t help but feel this way. I sometimes get scared that I will disappoint them.
However, today I am kind of back to my routine of work without hesitation and seems like my motivation and belief of being able to pitch in to this organization has returned. My theory behind this emotional rollercoaster is simply the effects of working from home, which I think many people also experience just because everything is so still, and constant. There is little to be inspired by and even less social contact. That, or some astrological movement influences my moods which I don’t have enough insight to understand. Nonetheless, I decided to participate in the Útilapu Hálózat events before I leave Budapest (which is not happening anytime soon – ongoing visa process) to experience SCI in the flesh. I picked a movie screening event (For Sama) and I am going to attend it without any expectations and just see how it goes (will update you on that).
Anyways, onto a more positive note, one thing that I feel is changing in me since I started to work at SCI is pushing aside my self-conscious thoughts and doing either what needs to be done or what I desire to do. My damaging mindset had a way of ruling over me with fear. Fear of rejection and fear of disappointing people I think in particular are the heaviest weights I carry. What I noticed is that I am slowly becoming more open to being vulnerable and sincere with people. It could be that SCI inspired me to believe that people are inherently good so even though the fears are still there (as you could see in the beginning of this entry), I am willing to ignore them and step onto the open field of human contact. Exposed to others’ gaze, judgement and opinions where my hiding spot is strategically out of sight so I can resist the temptation of letting my fears guide me back to safety. Just like avoiding candy offered by a stranger, albeit I am a 21 years old adult and ironically writing about approaching and opening up to strangers.
P.S.: The photo is of the hill/forest next to where I live that I took this summer. It wasn’t taken recently, but I didn’t have any other photo for this entry and this is where I like to get into deep thoughts so I thought it’d be nice to share.
No music – I wrote this in silence, it fits the theme of the entry 08 September, 2020